


8 thousand dollars on a skiing trip

by helpImlost



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, but like sad kepcobi, can be read as kapler/jacobi, from kepler's POV, not edited, they fight some more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 19:57:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13084260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helpImlost/pseuds/helpImlost
Summary: “Or you could do that little thing you and the others entertained yourselves with, you know when you were moving files and read a bunch of classified ones even though you knew you shouldn’t have and all had a little laugh about it.”Now Jacobi looks ready to murder and Kepler wonders idly if he’s going to make good on his promise to rip Kepler’s other hand off.





	8 thousand dollars on a skiing trip

They’re in the so called ‘brig’ of the Hephaestus, Kepler trying to find some semblance of peacefulness as he looks out the only window at the blue sun; Jacobi glaring daggers at him from the other side of the room.

Kepler is trying to ignore the way Jacobi is looking at him, like he is the most disgusting thing the man had ever laid eyes on. Kepler doesn’t really blame him thought, Jacobi had made his stance on the whole ‘need to know’ thing clear in the little spat they’d had earlier. It’s left a sour taste in Kepler’s mouth; he really didn’t think that Jacobi was going to turn on him like he had.

He considers staring a conversation as he stares at the vast space outside the window, he gets as far as to opening his mouth several times but never actually manages to get a word out. It doesn’t seem worth the backlash he’s sure to receive from his former right hand, and he can’t really find a topic that wouldn’t immediately turn into a hostile shouting match.

Jacobi does notice his attempts at starting conversation though. When he opens his mouth Kepler is bracing himself for more accusations and cutting words. He’s surprised when Jacobi’s tone is actually civil when he begins to speak, even if it still holds that bitterness in it.

“You know, I never thought I’d see the day when you wouldn’t be able to find words.”

Kepler doesn’t bother answering that, he knows any level of rebuttal or attempt at jovial banter would set Jacobi off.  But if Jacobi wanted to rag on Kepler and throw insults at him then Kepler would let him. He’s decided that it’s not worth the fight. Not while they’re both trapped here without a way out.

“Not answering huh, I’d be starting to think alien powered Lovelace got your tongue as well if you hadn’t given me all the classified bullshit earlier.”

Kepler remains silent, willing himself not to rise to the bait.

“ _Or_ maybe you’re just playing the quiet game to mess with me. You always were too fond of those stupid word games.”

More silence. Kepler isn’t even bothering looking at Jacobi anymore.

Jacobi also seems to give up on talking, joining Kepler in staring out the window. It doesn’t last long before Jacobi turns to Kepler again.

“How about playing questions only? You love that game and while _I_ despise it you actually being silent is beginning to scare me more than when you’re talking.”

Kepler is adamant about not replying, but it’s interesting he thinks, how Jacobi insists on speaking to him even if he does hate him now. But then it hits him, Jacobi doesn’t actually want to talk to _him_ ; he just doesn’t want it to be quiet. Kepler half turns to look at Jacobi for the first time since their argument. He is still silent and he can see Jacobi desperately trying to fixate on something, anything to occupy his attention.

Kepler almost wants to feel bad for his former coworker. Death and violence was commonplace in their life, they’d learned how to deal with it. But Maxwell wasn’t just some faceless, nameless target for them to eliminate. She’d been on their team. Kepler can feel the bone deep pain associated with sorrow and grief trying to claw it’s was into his heart and his body physically tenses as he mercilessly pushes it back down until it’s a barely noticeable ache, just like he’d been doing for decades.

But Jacobi didn’t have that luxury, the ability to do what Kepler had just done. He can tell how distraught the younger man is over Maxwell’s death. They’d been close. Much closer than Kepler can claim to have been with anyone in his life. He knows he should feel guilty; he’d encouraged the relationship a long time ago when they’d all first began working together.

_When they’d been happy_ a treacherous voice whispers in the back of his mind, and Kepler ignores it, forces himself to not feel. He’s not doing this right now.

But Jacobi is falling apart badly enough that he’s willing to go after anyone he deems responsible for his friend’s death. Kepler very much does not want to be considered one of those people, but the voice at the back of his head rears its ugly head once more _; If only he’d given better orders, if only he’d trusted them more, trusted them enough to tell them_. If only he hadn’t ordered Maxwell to go there. If only he’d played it safe. If only.

A part if Kepler that he will never admit exists until the day he dies thinks he deserves whatever he gets for this. He looks at the stump were his hand used to be. Yeah, he’ll deserve everything that happens to him.

Kepler refuses to admit it but he can tell his inner turmoil is starting to mirror Jacobi’s outward distress.

He doesn’t want to think about this anymore. None of it is useful for completing the mission, regret and sorrow and mourning will get him nowhere, a lesson he learned long ago. This has been going on for too long. He’s sure he’d be above all this nonsense at this point, but here he was agonizing over something that won’t let him move forward.

He lifts his head from where it’d been resting on his arms and for the first time in hours, speaks.

“You know, if you want entertainment that badly, I’m sure the Hephaestus crew will provide you with something to pass the time with until you’re done throwing your little tantrum.”

He doesn’t mean for his words to be sharp, to bite, but he knows that if he even tries to be what these people consider ‘nice’ then it’s over. He’ll lose the game. The only reason he even began speaking was so he could leave this spiral of regret and hopefully bring _Jacobi_ out of _his_ spiral of sadness. So he sucks it up and keeps pushing, determined to lead Jacobi’s attention away from his loss, even if the way to that place is through furious anger. Kepler pushes.

“ _Or_ you could do that little thing you and the others entertained yourselves with, you know when you were moving files and read a bunch of classified ones even though you _knew_ you _shouldn’t_ _have_ and all had a little _laugh_ about it.”

Now Jacobi looks ready to murder and Kepler wonders idly if he’s going to make good on his promise to rip Kepler’s other hand off.

“Oh for- you know damn well that you stupid, vile attempts at getting a raise out of me will get you nowhere except more hurt. Is that what you’re going for coronel? My fist to your face? Because that’s what you deserve right now you soulless _psychopath_.”

Kepler really isn’t looking to get physical, but an angry Jacobi is a Jacobi that’s not being ruined by grief.

“Maybe-” Kepler replies, “-but I really think I _do_ have a right to be annoyed with you for that particular little stunt.”

Since Jacobi had been nice enough to give Kepler a topic of conversation he was going to use it until something else occupies their attention. Or Jacobi just tries to murder him. Whichever comes first at this point.

“Oh so you are going to complain about us keeping information from you. Really. That’s where we’re at right now. And I really don’t want to know how you found out about that. But I assume you let it slide because you were planning on using it as punishment at some point.”

Jacobi let’s out one of his exasperated sighs and Kepler feels the corner of his mouth twitch up.

“Oh, you mean like I’m doing right now?”

They were falling into old conversational patterns; Kepler almost smiles properly at it. And Jacobi hadn’t even noticed, too preoccupied with coming up with rebuttals to Kepler’s small jabs. _Good,_ he thinks. His plan is working and Jacobi is following his script nicely.

“Yes _exactly_ like you’re doing now.” He says. “I’m guessing you really didn’t want anyone to know about that little skiing trip huh? Would be waaaay too _embarrassing_ for our great colonel to do something as casual as _that_. And waste 8 thousand dollars on it no less.”

And there is the sarcasm Kepler knew Jacobi was so fond of using, but his mind involuntarily flick over briefly to the skiing trip. That really hadn’t been the reason he was annoyed about the files leaking. At least there hadn’t been any details about what happened during the actual trip in the file, Kepler thinks.

“It _was_ quite the trip.” It’s all he’s willing to tell Jacobi. Jacobi in turn crosses his arms and huffs indignantly at him, accidentally bumping one of the storage shelves with his elbow.

Kepler really couldn’t have predicted what happened next. He wants to blame Jacobi, blame him for feeling and in turn tugging at Kepler’s dulled heartstrings like he had any right to know that they even existed, much less that they were still functioning.

Red flashes across his vision on one of the supply shelves and before he comprehends what just happened he’s suddenly not in space anymore. It only lasts for a few seconds, but a few seconds is enough. The smell of blood and the cold of the snow are the only things he can comprehend. Then he’s back at the Hephaestus and he suddenly wants nothing else than to not have this conversation that they’re having.

Jacobi doesn’t seem to get the memo when Kepler turns away from him and starts looking out the window again, desperately trying to keep his breathing regulated. Now _Jacobi’s_ the one pushing.

“I’m _sure_ it was, in _fact_ I bet you thought this was going to be similar.” Jacobi gestures angrily as well as he can with his hands cuffed together. “A vacation in space of sorts, too bad that you messed up big time and got Maxwell killed with your _incompetence_.”

And Kepler wants to hit himself. Seems like Jacobi had remembered why he wasn’t on Kepler’s side anymore and had promptly taken the conversation back to that topic.

He’s done talking thought, just like he’d been done talking after their fight. He thinks about the skiing trip that’d been made fun of by the crew. Kepler once again blames Jacobi for making his emotions unmanageable, for however briefly and he can’t stop the sting that almost makes him shed a tear. He takes a deep breath and then slowly lets it out, an attempt at letting that inconvenient feeling leave with it. It fails. Kepler suddenly feels like he is much older than he has any right to be.

“You know, Jacobi, red is a surprisingly beautiful color on snow.”

_Jacobi was right_ Kepler thinks. He remembers words like incompetent and useless and burden and bad luck being thrown at him back then, but once more he pushes all of those feelings down. Just like he always does. Holds them down and suffocates them just like he does to his enemies until they don’t exist anymore. _This nonsense ends now_ he thinks.  He _does_ want to apologize, that part of him that’s human still exists after all as his emotional turmoil just demonstrated. But he knows it won’t bring him any closer to his goal, closer to being successful in this mission. So he remains silent in front of Jacobi’s confusion at his apparent non sequitur and keeps suffocating his emotions.

“Red is a- what is that even supposed to _mean_? What the hell are you on about; do you really have nothing better to say after _everything_ you’ve done?”

Jacobi is trying to start the argument again, but Kepler’s mouth remains shut. He thinks that now they’re back at the start again proper.

Kepler feels like this is going to become a pattern, but he makes himself not care, not think about it and instead begin planning how he’s going to move forward. Get out of this brig and take control back. He ignores Jacobi’s angry words and demands to know why he’s not replying. Jacobi is going to stay mad, and Kepler can live with that he thinks as he kills the last bit of feeling in his chest. He will live with it, just like he lives with all of his mistakes.

**Author's Note:**

> *joins wolf 359 fandom when there's like 11 eps left but doesn't start generating content until there's 1 ep left then proceeds to write fic at 3 am and posts it without editing/proofreading gg me*
> 
> ok so I had this thoguht, what if every single one of Kepler's "long story short" stories and ridiculus stuff he'd done are actually things that happened but he just blows them out of proportion and makes them sound like tall tales because he doesn't want to relive the actual shit that went down and is telling these ridiculus retallings to cope with the trauma WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN?
> 
> This fic hasn't been proofread or edited and I apologize for any mistakes that might appear.


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